04.12: maybe i’m not?

Lord, give me peace to accept the things I cannot change. It is a hard world, a chaotic one but when put into perspective of your death and the pain of it, my problems seem as if they are nothing. So that’s what I treat them as such, but I cannot do that any longer and God, I must admit that I am broken. I am lonely.

So much has changed, so many people have changed and moved on while i’ve been here treading water for when seems like years. I have heard you say “the waves that have come to crush you, will be the waves that will lift you higher” but God, oh God where is that lifting that is promised. Where is this joy unceasing and this laughter uncontrolling? I am looking in your word, maybe not as much not as I should. I am giving this to you, but maybe not as much as I should. I am crying out to You, but maybe not as deep as I should. I am praying and seeking you, O Lord, but maybe not as often as I should.

My soul is weary and it yearns for rest, for a break, for something other than this. I know this is just a season, but the waves are crushing, they are lifting me up and throwing me against the shore just to carry me back into the depths.

However, I cannot continue like this.
I cannot keep struggling to breathe within the depths of this storm.
But God I bow before you, stretch out my arms, sing a song in worship and adoration.
“May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees.
May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous.
May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O Lord, and your law is my delight.
Let me live that I might praise you, and may your laws sustain me.
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.”
-Psalm 119:171-176

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Lord

Even when I have no words to say, I bring my nothingness to you. 

Even when my mind is scattered, I bring my mess to you. 

Even when my eyes are turning away, I bring them back to you. 

Even when my wisdom falters, I bring you my ignorance. 

 Your love is constant, consistent, it is beautiful and whole. 
“Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! “Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?” “Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?” For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭11:33-36‬ ‭

There are so many beginnings and so many endings in this story.

The beginning of joy and the end of sorrow, or the beginning of pain and the end or happiness.

Not joy. But happiness. Because that is what’s temporary.

I can go every day and say that I am joyful, that’s not a lie and that’s not a difficult thing to say. But to speak of happiness, hurts. Because it has long since fled from me, it hides in the shadows of my mind and occasionally it comes out to see the light once again. However, it’s quick to disappear.

It can disappear with one action, one word, and only a few know how to build it back up within a matter of seconds, and I’ll keep those people forever.

See the thing is though, my heart doesn’t break for my own, it breaks for others, or the thought that they might have to go through what I had to go through; and that’s what hurts.

But all is well. Maybe one day I’ll figure out what eats me alive from the inside. Maybe one day I’ll be able to pinpoint it out on a map and help people with this same problem. I don’t mind the suffering though, it means I’m alive. And what more could I ask for than to live this life full of adventure?

There is so much to do, so many people to impact and so many people to be impacted by. So much love to give, and so much love to receive.

“One day I’ll find my purpose, but until then I will wander. I will wander freely and without limitation.”

The Anchor

Can I tell you of the heartaches I have felt?
the tears I have cried,
and the lovers I have lost.

How about the lingering pain,
how it left me alone,
and naked on the ground.

But what good would it do? To read this depressing story of how life disappoints and how it makes you wish you weren’t breathing. Because let’s face it, it is easier to stay in the bottoms of the ocean with the broken vessels and scattered memories, then to see the eye in the center of the hurricane.

But my love, let me tell you about the beauty within this disaster.
Let me calm your raging seas and be the stillness behind your quivering lips, wet pillows and sleepless nights.

Let me sooth your soul with what I have to offer you, let me show you what I have to give because it could be the greatest thing you have ever experienced.

So darling, please take a chance on me.
Just like you took a chance with those star crossed lovers that left you abandoned.

Come with me, and let me show you the sunrise.

dependency.

here i sit.
trying to write a song or a stream of words to accurately describe this feeling inside.
but i can fall back on one thing.
you are my melody,
my muse,
my direction.
you are my one and only.
the hand that guides me,
a voice that leads me,
the light that shows me.
you are the reason for my pain and my sorrow but you are the main source of my happiness.
because you are my comfort,
my shelter,
my pride and joy.
because without you i am nothing but dust and ashes.

20 Things You Should Know About Dating An Independent Girl

the fact of how true this is, astonishes me.

Thought Catalog

1. We need alone time. A little each day and more than a little on other days. It doesn’t mean we’ve lost interest in you.

2. We don’t mind if you don’t call or text us every second. We like it. We won’t be contacting you either. That said, if you’re late, don’t keep us guessing as to when you’ll show up as we’ll make other plans.

3. We can clean up our own messes. We’re not waiting around for you to fix our problems.

4. We are perfectly fine doing chores, running errands, and exercising by ourselves. If you want to join us, we’re glad to have you along, but don’t talk to us while we’re in the zone.

5. We sign up and attend charity events, races, and cultural exhibits on our own. We don’t need a date to feel comfortable at these things. Set us loose in…

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Thoughts of an Embrace

I seem to find myself amazed at the thought of love, or loving someone, or loving something eternal, because it doesn’t seem true. Love seems like something that we would wait for, for an eternity but we could never reach it; but that’s a lie.
We have love at our fingertips, we can find it in the midst of destruction or in the face of a child. It could be as close as the clothes on your skin but feel as distant as the stars.
But it’s an enchanting thing, oh yes it is. The fact that it is something that so many people write about with an empty heart and an empty mind but try and put into words the feelings and desires that this intense passion can create. The fact that people try to grasp the concept of it in its entirety and place it on paper for others to have the chance at even getting a glimpse of it.
That’s what makes it beautiful.
People can only attempt to describe love and the wondrous things that it does, but in reality, we haven’t even grazed the surface of it.