04.12: maybe i’m not?

Lord, give me peace to accept the things I cannot change. It is a hard world, a chaotic one but when put into perspective of your death and the pain of it, my problems seem as if they are nothing. So that’s what I treat them as such, but I cannot do that any longer and God, I must admit that I am broken. I am lonely.

So much has changed, so many people have changed and moved on while i’ve been here treading water for when seems like years. I have heard you say “the waves that have come to crush you, will be the waves that will lift you higher” but God, oh God where is that lifting that is promised. Where is this joy unceasing and this laughter uncontrolling? I am looking in your word, maybe not as much not as I should. I am giving this to you, but maybe not as much as I should. I am crying out to You, but maybe not as deep as I should. I am praying and seeking you, O Lord, but maybe not as often as I should.

My soul is weary and it yearns for rest, for a break, for something other than this. I know this is just a season, but the waves are crushing, they are lifting me up and throwing me against the shore just to carry me back into the depths.

However, I cannot continue like this.
I cannot keep struggling to breathe within the depths of this storm.
But God I bow before you, stretch out my arms, sing a song in worship and adoration.
“May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees.
May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous.
May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O Lord, and your law is my delight.
Let me live that I might praise you, and may your laws sustain me.
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.”
-Psalm 119:171-176